Not Child's Play...

• Recently we attended a play date with the parent's group a friend of mine
  started. I was really upset by the experience and hope that sharing gets me over and through it.
• I had advised the organizer of the group time and
  time again that Ashton can be a little wild and difficult to manage at times.
  She insisted that the group was full of alternative-style parents and that he
  would be accepted "as is" in all of his eccentricities. So, on a day when Paul
  was off from work, we decided to meet the group for the 1st time.
• The play date was at the home of my friend, A, the organizer. On the way to the
  group Ashton asked where we were going and who would be there. After explaining
  we were going to see A and her daughter, R, Ashton very happily exclaimed he
  would love to share some of his American flags with R and proudly held up which
  one he planned to give. Now, as a fanatic collector of items, I was impressed
  with his plan to give something he currently treasured away, especially to
  someone he had met only once.
• Once we arrived at the house, I was a little nervous but encouraged by Ashton's preplanned generosity and happy to be meeting so many new people. The age of the children that attended the playgroup that day ranged from 6 months - ~2 years old, excluding Ashton who's 3.5. I was a little surprised to see that while the kitchen was gated off, the rest of the house was not but did not get the impression that anywhere was off limits for the children, particularly the nursery. Ashton, brimming with the curiosity of a
  3 year old, raced around to check out everything he could, but staying out of
  the master bedroom and bath. (Ashton and Kate were the only children who left
  the living room area...why I don't know.) The toy he came back in to the living
  room with, having found it god knows where, was a cowbell.
• I am going to talk about the cow bell, not as the only instance where I felt the parents of
  the group were annoyed with Ashton, but as the one I remember most. Now, the cow
  bell WAS loud from the joy he got when he rang it, but I have to put my foot
  down and say, why have a toy for a child that no one wants them to play with. I
  say this only because, as he rang the bell, I heard several off hand remarks
  like "WOW, that's quite a bell" and "Maybe we should put some tissue around the
  inside so it doesn't make any noise." Now, what the heck kind of sense does that
  make to have a bell that doesn't make noise? I suppose I'm harking on this point
  because I don't understand what happened. I mean, a)he was invited to a group to
  play but not seemingly to play in the way he likes to play, which is typical for
  a 3 year old boy and b) had I taken the bell away from him, he would have been
  so upset a loud cow bell would have sounded like soft wind chimes in comparison
  with his protesting tantrum. I mean, what is the point of a "play group" if not
  to PLAY? What would have been the appropriate way for him to "play"? Sitting
  quietly on my lap? Bowing and curtsying? I saw one dad spending most of the time
  quietly reading a book to his daughter and holding her on his lap, but really,
  why come to a group to do that?
• Another thing, one mother quickly packed her little girl up the moment she began to throw a tantrum and whisked her out the door. I wonder if I should do the same and feel shamed into quickly leaving if my children were to act up? Or should I feel that in public, let
  alone around other parents, I should feel free to work through the tantrum,
  discipline, then get back to the group? Why try to hide something that everyone
  else surely goes through?
• But hey, maybe this just wasn't the group I thought it was or we are not group people. I observed another mother, not finding joy in her 16-month old's identification of a penguin toy as a "duck", but scolding her 16 MONTH OLD for not using the word penguin instead. I mean, WOW, the genus of a species...from a 16-month old. Wow, that's not expecting a
  lot or anything...:(
• Maybe in all the rush to organize and categorize and perfect our children, this generation is causing them to miss out on so much. Like the email the co-organizer of the group sent out for the next playgroup. Maybe my bad experience was due to age difference, as the email
  specified this one would be for kids "2 and under due to the age appropriateness
  of the toys". (This was by the father who was quietly reading to his child
  during the playgroup, so maybe he's unfamiliar with the term "parallel playing".
  Or maybe he's just unfamiliar with toys and kids, the fact that if they belong
  to someone else they are always "age appropriate".) But really, what is the harm
  in older kids mixing with younger kids? Isn't that how younger kids learn? From
  older kids? Or does he fear my child's sensory integration dysfunction will rub
  off on his? What better to teach our children than tolerance for differences? I
  would never intentionally exclude a child for any reason and cannot understand
  anyone that would.
• I fear the age limit was set due to fear of Ashton's high-energy. This now seems to exclude Ashton from most activities, as I cannot find a parent with a child his age that is not working during the times we have free. I fear that he is now excluded from the core of the group who's one member stated "A great support structure for parents with kids to reassure them they are not alone." Ironically I now feel very alone and more isolated than ever, particularly since I still have not had any communication to see how we liked
  our first visit to the group from the organizer, my friend, A, who hosted the
  event in her home. A's husband joined the play date late, but seemed overly polite, preoccupied
  with apologizing for his baby's moodiness (aren't all babies moody?) and expressed surprised the toys were
  taken out (by my kids of course). So hey, maybe we left an equally bad impression?
  I really don't know. Maybe I am being overly-sensitive, but when it comes to
  one's children, who isn't?
• I will say this, by excluding Ashton, even from one play date, they are excluding a child who is full of joy and energy with communication skills that are phenomenal enough to help his best friend, Richard, learn English better than his parent's native Spanish. They are also
  excluding Kate, who cannot attend playgroups without Ashton, but who cares more
  for babies than any adult or toy. I may be over reacting, but I had such high hopes that were quickly deflated.
• I've since canceled my membership to the group and will stick to more informal play times where anything goes and imaginations as well as cow bells can ring free.