Today, I feel a heavy weight on my shoulders as I register Ashton for our school system's magnet program lottery. For those who don't know, in Charlotte we have the option to send out kids to our neighborhood school or to enter a lottery for a chance to send them to various programs tailored to start them on specific tracks. My 1st choice is the Talent Development/Learning Immersion school down the street and the 2nd choice is a Padeia Academy. (Info on both - Padiea http://www.cms.k12.nc.us/cmsdepartments/ci/MagnetPrograms/MagnetThemes/Pages/PaideiaAcademy.aspx and TD/LI http://www.cms.k12.nc.us/cmsdepartments/ci/MagnetPrograms/MagnetThemes/Pages/LearningTalentDevelopment.aspx I'm not sure if these programs are "better", more structured, or just different. As I click the submit button to put my child's future into a bucket of chances I wonder, hope, and pray that I am doing what is best for him. What if he gets a lottery selection and it's too hard and he beats himself up all the time or too easy and he goofs off? Or what if he feels like I short changed him if he doesn't get in because the 1st day to register was today but I waited until the afternoon to do it? What if the kids are too rough on my rising kindergartner and he becomes rough to fit in? What happens when he leaves the safe confines of my home and kids his age to be around big bad 5th graders? He'll want to ride the bus and I will want to drive him. He'll miss his best friend Richard, who is not in a magnet program, and I'll feel guilty. I feel myself wanting to cry as I type this because, while I'm gaining a kindergartner I'll be loosing my baby forever. It's been awhile since the roundness of his toddler face melted into the slim profile of a boy, but I do find myself still wanting to cradle him at times, swaddled in a blanket.
As he goes off to school, my first born and valuable treasure, I know that Paul and I will no longer be his only heroes. He'll be learning life lessons we won't/can't teach him and we can't fully protect him anymore. He'll go through the rough patches and the proud moments and I won't be there to help him or applaud him. People warned me raising a child would be a roller coaster ride of emotion. I still find myself caught unprepared as we ascend this hill with the slow click-clicks-click of anticipation.
I hope I am doing what is best for him by interfering and that the track I'm setting him out on brings out the best and happiness in him and to him. I can only wish that because I am doing this with love and care it will all work out for the best. I know that he will be so excited and happy on his first day of school and hope it stays that way as he crosses the stage and holds up his college diploma high.
What I do know is that he will grow to be a capable and fulfilled man and will find his place and happiness in the world. I just can't help but feel the weight of my little boy's future on my shoulders, knowing that the first step of his life's academic journey is still such an important one.
Don't get me started on Kate and how emotional I will be when she runs off to her 1st day of school and I am left alone!)
